Exploring Surrogacy: Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Begin Your Journey

If you’re considering becoming a surrogate or pursuing surrogacy as an intended parent, there are many questions you’ll need to ask yourself. Few things are more valuable than self-reflection before you embark on such an important endeavor. 

A lot of thought and soul searching goes into the decision to be a surrogate. 

Questions you should ask yourself before becoming a surrogate:

• Can I really do this? Can I carry a baby and give birth and not come home with the baby?
• Am I aware of and do I accept the risks related to pregnancy and IVF medications-up to and including the risk of becoming infertile myself?
• If the Intended Parents (IPs) want no contact after the birth, am I okay with that?
• Where do I truly stand on selective reduction and termination, and why? Is my stance different as a surrogate versus with my own children?
• How will my own personal life and relationships be affected by my choice to be a surrogate mother?
• Is my partner supportive?
• Does my partner fully know and understand what is and could be expected of them during the surrogacy journey?
• HEART CHECK!! What is my motive for becoming a surrogate mother?
• Can I be okay with my IP’s lifestyle choices or habits if they don’t match my own?
• What type of parents am I willing to work with? Gay or straight? Single or married? International or domestic?
  

There is, of course, much soul-searching on the part of Intended Parents, as well.

Questions you should ask yourself before pursuing surrogacy as an intended parent:

• Have I dealt with my infertility, and what may or may not have caused it?
• Can I accept the potential to invest a lot of money, time, and emotion into an IVF cycle to not have a pregnancy be the end result? Can I accept there is no one to blame in that case?
• As an Intended Mother, will I be okay with another woman carrying my and my husband’s child (especially if IM has not been able to carry)?
• Can our (IPs) relationship withstand the stress of pursuing surrogacy?
• Have we researched ALL our options (adoption, gestational surrogacy, egg donor, etc.)?
• Do we want contact with the surrogate mother after the birth? Why or why not?
• Where do I truly stand on selective reduction and termination, and why? Is my stance different as an Intended Parent versus if I could carry a child myself?
• How will my own personal life and relationships be affected by our choice to have a child/children via surrogacy?
• Is my partner supportive?
• Does my partner fully know and understand what is and could be expected of them during the surrogacy journey?
• HEART CHECK!! What is my motive for pursuing children via surrogacy?
• Can I be okay with my surrogate mother’s lifestyle choices or habits if they don’t match my own?
• Can we afford this? 

Most Intended Parents are surprised to learn how much is involved with surrogacy and how much money it can cost. 

The following are some of the costs that need to be considered before pursuing surrogacy:

• All medical and psychological testing related to the surrogacy for the Intended Parents (both) and the surrogate mother and her partner
• All legal/lawyer fees for the intended parents and surrogate (each party needs separate representation)
• Background checks on all parties
• Any travel the surrogate mother needs to do related to surrogacy
• The cost of procedures not covered by the surrogate mother’s medical insurance: IVF, medications
• All other medical costs not covered by the surrogate mother’s insurance
• Medical insurance for the surrogate mother if she does not have any (unless paying ‘cash’)
• Additional costs can include: lost wages, childcare, housekeeping, life insurance policy premiums
• Fees for each cycle/transfer, invasive procedure, carrying multiples, c-section, D&C, selective reduction, pregnancy termination
• Surrogate’s base compensation, in addition to all other fees (a first-time surrogate’s current average base compensation is $35,000 or more)
• All legal and court costs
• If you use an agency to help you find a surrogate, agency fees are in addition to those listed above.

How will I know if we are a good match?

How do we know if we found our match? Most people say, “We just knew!” You want to make sure that everyone agrees on all critical issues and can communicate well with each other. You should all feel comfortable with each other. Take as much time as necessary to get to know each other. 

There is no minimum or limit on how many people you need to talk to before you decide to be matched. Some people only talk with one person and know. Some take many months and speak to many potential surrogates/intended parents before finding the right match. 

You will be sharing very intimate details about yourselves and your lives during this surrogate journey. Most importantly, you will be creating a new life!