Our Family and Our Surrogate: Insight Into How Two Families Maintain a Relationship After the Birth

Having a baby is a big deal. We know.

Having a baby through a gestational surrogate is an even bigger deal.

There are lots more people involved, lots more processes to go through, and lots more questions to be answered.

One of the biggest concerns of Intended Parents is, “How will we get along with our surrogate?”

This is entirely understandable. As Intended Parents, you are – quite literally – putting your eggs in someone else’s basket. This person will become part of your family tree forever – even if they don’t share your bloodlines.

That’s why a good match is so important. But even more important is what happens after the birth: how you choose to maintain a relationship.

Making the match

Right from the beginning, the team at a reputable agency will out of their way to match Intended Parents with the right gestational surrogate.

This takes both skill and intuition. But because many agencies have staff comprised of experienced surrogates or previous Intended Parents themselves, they know exactly what each party is feeling. They will also know how to make the perfect match.

Maintaining the relationship

As Intended Parents, it’s up to you how much contact you want to have with your surrogate mom. In most cases, Intended Parents and surrogates become lifelong friends.

Some Intended Parents want to be included in the pregnancy and watch the journey unfold. And that’s great! Many surrogates are fully prepared to share updates over email, phone, facetime, text message, and so on. Intended Parents can even attend doctor appointments with their surrogate. And surrogates love to be close to their Intended Parents.

Of course, if you’d prefer less contact, that’s fine, too. You can still keep in touch with the occasional email or phone call without being super close. Some Intended Parents may not actually meet their surrogate in person until the birth.

Every case is different. Whatever level of contact you’re most comfortable with, it’s still important to maintain some kind of relationship and follow through with one another’s expectations.

Overwhelmingly positive experience

While there hasn’t been much research into the parent-surrogate relationship, a 2003 study published in the journal Human Reproduction provided some very interesting insights. The study involved 34 surrogate mothers of 1‐year‐old babies and followed their relationships with their Intended Parents.

Of the 34 moms, 33 reported having a ‘harmonious’ relationship with the Intended Mother right from the beginning of the pregnancy to the end. Throughout the pregnancy, around 70% of the surrogates met with their Intended Parents at least once a month.

All of the surrogates were happy about handing over the baby, and none had experienced any doubts or difficulties.

The authors of this study then went on to investigate the experience of the Intended Parents. Again, the results were overwhelmingly positive: 90-98% of the Intended Parents reported a happy relationship with their surrogate throughout the pregnancy. In the year after the birth, 91% of the Intended Parents had seen the surrogate mother at least once since the birth, and around 64% of the Intended Parents and their baby continued to see the surrogate mother every couple of months. Around a third of the surrogate mothers continued to see the Intended Parents and baby at least once a month, while others saw one another a little less.

The great thing is that technology has advanced significantly since this study was conducted. It’s now much easier to send photos and videos via messenger or email, or simply follow one another on Facebook, Instagram, or even TikTok. Some parents love having the Zoom calls with their surrogate, and some meet up in person to share special occasions or just a meal.

It’s up to you.

Again, it’s entirely up to you how much contact you want to maintain with your surrogate mom. Everyone has their own vision of how they want their family relationships to work, just as everyone has different commitments and lifestyles.

We can’t emphasize enough just how wonderfully positive the Intended Parent-surrogate relationship can be for everyone involved. After all, the matching process is designed to bring like-minded Parents and surrogates together. Most clients are amazed at how well they click!

And, to make the relationship even easier, your chosen agency should provide a fantastic liaison service for Intended Parents and surrogates. This helps both parties to communicate effectively throughout the journey and maintain a positive, healthy relationship.

No matter what happens, a reputable agency is there to oversee each step of the process and provide advice and support.

Personal experiences from Surrogates and Intended Parents

Want to know just how powerful this relationship can be? Here are some real testimonials from experienced surrogates and an Intended Parent.

 

“When I delivered my surrobabies, my communication with the Parents after delivery wasn’t as often as it was while I was pregnant. That is understandable, as they now have to care for a little one (or two). They would, and still do, provide me updates on the babies/children. The Parents send me photos and tell me about special events going on in their lives. Either I will reach out to them or they reach out to me about once a month. I have delivered four babies to two families and we all still talk. We have become family.”

-3x Surrogate, Ronda

 

“For my first journey, I matched with a local family. They attended most doctor appointments and I sent them updates regularly along with a belly bump pic each week. We texted very regularly and went out to dinner a few times. I was also lucky enough to help with their registry and be at the baby shower. I provided breast milk for the first 7-8 weeks and now I text here and there to see how they are doing. I’ve received photos and updates of their precious baby girl and it was a lovely experience”.

-Surrogate, Amanda

“Amanda sent us text messages weekly, with pictures showing how big the baby was getting. She also let us know how the doctor visits went and kept us informed about everything. So lucky to have Amanda as a surrogate. She truly helped us create a family and Michelle and I are thankful every day”.

-Proud Parent through surrogacy, Michael